{
  "type": "article",
  "title": "Two Longtime Child Therapists Say the Real Fix for Anxious Kids Isn't Protection, It's Practice",
  "summary": "Psychotherapists Sissy Goff and David Thomas, in their new book Capable, argue that shielding kids from every hard moment is backfiring, and that letting children sit with failure, stress and disappointment is what actually builds confidence and resilience.",
  "content": "A therapist duo with three decades of clinical work behind them says kids are living through what they call a \"crisis of capability,\" and the fix has less to do with protecting children from hard moments than with letting them sit inside enough of them to grow.\n\nA Growing \"Crisis of Capability\" Among Kids\nPsychotherapists and parenting experts Sissy Goff and David Thomas have spent 30 years counseling children and their families, and they say the pattern they see in their offices today looks different from a decade ago. Youth mental health has been in crisis for several years, with one in five kids dealing with anxiety and 18% of kids between the ages of 12 and 17 dealing with symptoms of depression. Goff and Thomas argue that this decline in mental health has run alongside a decline in kids' sense of capability. More children now walk into their sessions feeling unable to do ordinary things, such as reaching out to a new friend, trying out for a sport they might not play perfectly, or getting their driver's license. That observation forms the backbone of their new book, Capable, which lays out a roadmap for parents who want to raise kids that stay steady under pressure, believe in themselves, and take on healthy risks that stretch what they can do.\n\nHow Anxiety Quietly Erodes a Child's Confidence\nGoff, who has written several books on anxiety, offers a plain definition, anxiety is an overestimation of the problem paired with an underestimation of what kids can actually do on their own. Research shows two parenting strategies dominate when a child feels anxious, escape and avoidance, and Goff says she is seeing more parents pull children out of scary situations than ever before. The trouble, she explains, is that every time a parent rescues a child from a hard moment, it can send an unintended message, that kids need an adult to step in and that they are not capable of handling difficulty on their own.\n\nWhat Actually Makes a Kid \"Capable\"\nAccording to Thomas, capable kids are simply kids who have practiced coping and built real competence for facing life's challenges. He asks parents to sit with an uncomfortable truth, stress is guaranteed, and no one is exempt from it. But he also wants parents to remember something they tend to forget, that stress can be growth-giving. Thomas points to his own daughter, who tried out for cross-country in middle school and came in dead last for more than three seasons. That stretch of repeated last-place finishes produced enormous growth, he says, and he later found himself cheering her on as she finished a marathon, a milestone that would never have happened without all those seasons of running and losing. The larger goal for parents, in his view, is to support kids without standing in the way of the opportunities that create that growth. Confidence, he argues, is not the real target. Competence is deeper, and confidence is really just what shows up after a child struggles with something hard and develops the skill to handle it.\n\nPracticing Flexibility as a Family\nBecause research shows flexibility and resilience can both be learned, Thomas suggests parents remember one thing above all, they are their kid's hero, whether or not the kid is currently rolling their eyes at them. Children notice what parents say and what they do, which is why Thomas recommends practicing flexibility together as a family and being honest with kids about how challenging that flexibility can be, even for adults. One small ritual he suggests is starting every dinner by having each person at the table move one seat to the left. It models what it feels like to mix things up on purpose, and it sends a quiet, useful lesson, that everyone in the family, adults included, is figuring things out as they go.\n\nWhy Parents Shouldn't Outsource Their Instincts to AI\nGoff also addressed the flood of parenting information now available online and through AI chatbots. She says many parents are starting to trust outside experts more than they trust their own instincts. Parents might ask an AI chatbot how to troubleshoot a parenting problem, and while the technology can hand back information, Goff is clear that information is not the same thing as wisdom. Her advice is to narrow the noise down to two or three trusted sources that actually help parents lean back into their own judgment rather than constantly seeking new answers from outside.\n\nFive Strengths, Five Skills and Five Strategies\nCapable is structured around what Goff and Thomas describe as five strengths, five skills, and five strategies they consider foundational to raising capable kids. One of the central skills is learning to deal with disappointment and failure. Thomas encourages parents to remind their kids that failure is the gateway to neuroplasticity, since brains literally grow when people fail. He likes the acronym FAIL, standing for \"first attempt in learning,\" as a way for parents to flip failure on its head and treat it as a tool for growth rather than something to be avoided.\n\nTurning Everyday Mistakes Into Teaching Moments\nAlongside reframing failure, Goff and Thomas encourage parents to narrate their own mess-ups out loud as they happen, rather than only presenting a polished, in-control version of themselves. Thomas shares a story from a mother who decided to take up tennis in her 40s. She told him she never played the sport growing up and turned out to be terrible at it, and that when the instructor gave her feedback in front of the entire class, she found herself tearing up. Then, she said, she caught herself and thought, this isn't Wimbledon, this is mom tennis. That moment became a genuine opportunity for the mother to talk with her own kids about what it felt like to receive tough feedback in front of other people. Thomas says there is real value in parents sharing these experiences with their children, because it shows kids that everyone fails at different things, that no one has everything figured out, and that feeling overwhelmed is a normal part of the process rather than a sign that something has gone wrong. He believes these kinds of honest conversations carry a lot of weight in shaping how kids come to see their own setbacks.\n\nWhat this means for you\nThis advice is aimed directly at parents trying to raise kids who can handle setbacks on their own rather than relying on constant rescue.\n\n• For parents: letting kids face failure and hard moments themselves, instead of stepping in every time, can build stronger long-term confidence.\n• For daily habits: small, free practices like rotating dinner seats or openly sharing your own mistakes with your kids can be adopted at home immediately.\n\nQuestions & Answers\n\n1. Who wrote the book Capable?\nPsychotherapists and parenting experts Sissy Goff and David Thomas wrote Capable, drawing on 30 years of clinical experience.\n\n2. How many kids are dealing with anxiety and depression?\nOne in five kids is dealing with anxiety, while 18% of kids between the ages of 12 and 17 have symptoms of depression.\n\n3. What does the acronym FAIL mean?\nFAIL stands for first attempt in learning, a phrase Thomas uses to help parents reframe failure as a tool for growth.\n\n4. How much should parents trust AI chatbots for parenting advice?\nGoff says AI can provide information but not wisdom, so parents should stick to two or three trusted sources and lean on their own judgment.\n\n5. What method does David Thomas suggest for practicing flexibility as a family?\nHe suggests having everyone at the dinner table move one seat to the left every night so kids get comfortable with regular change.\n\n6. What does David Thomas's daughter's cross-country story teach?\nHis daughter came in dead last in every race for more than three seasons in middle school, but that persistence later helped her finish a marathon.",
  "url": "https://trendkia.com/en/health/tina-dashaka-ke-anubhava-vale-therepista-bole-bachchon-ko-bachane-se-nahin-chunauti-dene-se-milati-hai-asali-sakshamata-7983",
  "category": "Health",
  "publishedAt": "2026-07-15",
  "tags": [
    "parenting",
    "child mental health",
    "confidence",
    "resilience",
    "anxiety",
    "Capable book"
  ],
  "language": "en",
  "site": "TrendKia"
}